i guess i have new perspective on life in america now
this will probably be my last entry. unfortunately this chapter of my life is over, i hope that i will get to go back to chad someday, but it will never be the same. i'm going to put together a package to send for chancelin's birthday with baby clothes and pictures and things, and hopefully in the next few weeks, i'll work up the courage to call. i do still feel guilty for leaving (as much as i rationally know it wasn't my fault) so it is hard for me to imagine speaking to people. i don't want to put my life there out of my head, but i almost have to to be a productive member of american society.
most of the material adapting hasn't been that hard thanks to our "transition" conference in cameroon. i had already spent two weeks with electricity and flush toilets before i got home. still it's weird not having to worry how much water i use when i wash dishes, remembering that in the middle of the night when i get up to go to the bathroom i can turn on the light, that i don't have to separate burnable trash from nonburnable, that i can drink any water or ice and eat any fruit i want. all the fruits and vegetables in the grocery store seem so big and i always feel like i should eat as much as i can because i don't know when i'll next be able to find plums or something, then i remember i always can. but i did laugh at the hard, yellow, expensive things whole foods were calling mangos.
the hardest thing for me is realizing how self-centered people are here. when i was in chad, i feel like i became more american in this way because many many of my conversations centered on the topic of me or american culture or me and chad. and i was okay with that, with being the celebrity. sometimes i realized how much of my time was spent talking about myself, and grossed out by that, went back to the quiet observer/question asker role. but more often than not, i was the star and no one else ever wanted to be.
here everyone wants to be the star all the time. everyone goes on and on about his or her latest drama, and really believes that these things, as silly as they are, are of grave importance. people lose sleep over, can't work because of, etc, the problem of the week. and yes sometimes people want to hear about other people's drama and offer their input, but more often then not, it feels like that is just waiting for one's turn to spill. and, no one, no one, wants to hear about my life in chad once they realize how boring and free of drama it was.
this whole phenomenom is just so weird to me now because i was away from it for long enough to kind of forget it exists. but i also am realizing that i am better capable of feeling like i do belong here if i just listen to other people's problems and let them know i care. it's weird because i know i have these giant problems of my own, but i really don't have any desire to share them because they aren't the kind of problems my friends can understand, so this is where i am. and it's okay, i'm okay with being here, but i don't want to give up what i've lost and i hate that i'm thrown back into this as if the life that i knew and loved was just a dream.
most of the material adapting hasn't been that hard thanks to our "transition" conference in cameroon. i had already spent two weeks with electricity and flush toilets before i got home. still it's weird not having to worry how much water i use when i wash dishes, remembering that in the middle of the night when i get up to go to the bathroom i can turn on the light, that i don't have to separate burnable trash from nonburnable, that i can drink any water or ice and eat any fruit i want. all the fruits and vegetables in the grocery store seem so big and i always feel like i should eat as much as i can because i don't know when i'll next be able to find plums or something, then i remember i always can. but i did laugh at the hard, yellow, expensive things whole foods were calling mangos.
the hardest thing for me is realizing how self-centered people are here. when i was in chad, i feel like i became more american in this way because many many of my conversations centered on the topic of me or american culture or me and chad. and i was okay with that, with being the celebrity. sometimes i realized how much of my time was spent talking about myself, and grossed out by that, went back to the quiet observer/question asker role. but more often than not, i was the star and no one else ever wanted to be.
here everyone wants to be the star all the time. everyone goes on and on about his or her latest drama, and really believes that these things, as silly as they are, are of grave importance. people lose sleep over, can't work because of, etc, the problem of the week. and yes sometimes people want to hear about other people's drama and offer their input, but more often then not, it feels like that is just waiting for one's turn to spill. and, no one, no one, wants to hear about my life in chad once they realize how boring and free of drama it was.
this whole phenomenom is just so weird to me now because i was away from it for long enough to kind of forget it exists. but i also am realizing that i am better capable of feeling like i do belong here if i just listen to other people's problems and let them know i care. it's weird because i know i have these giant problems of my own, but i really don't have any desire to share them because they aren't the kind of problems my friends can understand, so this is where i am. and it's okay, i'm okay with being here, but i don't want to give up what i've lost and i hate that i'm thrown back into this as if the life that i knew and loved was just a dream.
posted by Rebecca @ 9:51 PM
3 Comments:
At 3:41 PM,
jamie said…
it's true that america is a really self-centered place, but i for one can't wait to hear about your drama-free life in chad, and i'm sure many others feel the same way. : )
At 7:06 AM,
Anonyme said…
I don't even know where to start here but how about the getting sent home thing. First I know a couple of people here who have experienced the same thing. They were volunteers over in Turkmenistan until there was another bout of ethnic cleansing or something along those lines, perhaps religious cleansing, or the rare but spicy colored thong cleansing. Most of them got sent back to the US with two options A) take some resettlement money or B) sign up to go to another Russian speaking country i.e. Ukraine. Out of the 11 people who came to Ukraine on the transfer program two were kicked out for drunk in public (one was beaten by da' police), one went home with a piece of glass in his eye from being punched in the face, and yet another genius got Giardia from swimming in the Dniper river in downtown Kyiv. All in all one has to wonder what the "safest" choice was here! On the one hand there is ethnic cleansing that never would have touched the volunteers. While on the other a whole spate of stupidity in Ukraine, hmmmm. Anyways I can sympathize with you on a number of fronts namely the idea of getting settled in, getting to know people, the culture, etc. And then getting ripped away from that by a heartless government agency. Now of course I don't know exactly what went on in Chad but I assume that the Peace Corps was playing it REALLY safe, which they kind of have to considering the reprecussions if just one volunteer is injured or so on. However I too have seen the kneejerk-reactionism (this isn't a word!) of the Peace Corps at work here in Ukraine, often sacrificing little parts (volunteers and their service) for the betterment of the whole (image of agency). Now to a totally different topic: so you are back in America! Did you notice the lack of trash, homeless people, and yelling? If not Chad was probably cleaner than Ukraine, which is dirty. Also take note of those fruits because the farmers plant little gnomes in them called "genes" that make the fruits grow unnaturally big and fat and they will do the same to you if you aren't careful. Some sage wisdom if I do say so myself. Also people in America aren't self centered, crap if I could speak English to someone I would talk about myself all day, not because I'm interesting (quite the opposite) but because it is just so easy. My advice to you is to get acculturated, have an opposite(I'm not spelling that right am I)! Not one of those lame opposite days where you wear your underwear outside of your pants or stuff like that, but a "talk about petty crap" day. I think it would be fun! I talk to myself about petty crap everyday, imagine doing it to a real person! Here is my plan for you:
1. Wake up look in the mirror and think of at least 5 things that are wrong with you and can only be fixed through surgery, some sort of expensive spa treatment, or red-wine carrott enemas (I didn't make that up which SCARES me).
2. Don't even think about making breakfast for yourself, that is for poor people! Go to Starbucks and get a scone or something and a drink that takes as long as possible to order (example: Mocha Frap Latte, Non-fat, decaf, redeye, double shot, no foam, vanilla cream). Be sure to bemoan the poor service of the high-school kid who woke up at 5:45AM to go earn 8 bucks an hours. Also bitch about how the "quality has gone to shit" but say "what can you do?"
3. Show up late to an office you don't work at dressed in business clothing. Be sure to be talking obnoxiously loud on the cellphone about how "lame" your night with your friends was last night, add something gross like "Yeah Tammy totally got a boob job." or better yet "Peter is a fag" while pretending like you are sealed in a sound-proof bubble with an applause meter. Then walk up to the receptionist and give her shit for not having your name on the appointment schedule. Be sure to mention something about her being replaced by a low-wage/high productivity Mexican (Bush actually said this, what the fuck?) Upon exhausting the poor receptionist exclaim that "My roots are going to pay for this stress." Be sure to hit on someone on the way out.
4. Go to McDonalds and order a salad with low-fat dressing and a BonAqua. While waiting for the salad be sure to chat with attendent since she is on the clock and you want to lower her productivity and thus get her fired. When you get the salad be sure to make a choo-choo train sound and then say "All aboard to my hips." Again hit on someone on the way out.
5. Sit in your car with the AC on and the windows down despite the fact that it is 70 degrees out. Turn on the radio and listen to NPR while making loud comments about the Leftist conspiracy. Rev the engine every time a minority walks by.
6. Go home and take a "power nap" with a cucumber and tea bag facial mask.
7. Finally invite some friends out for dinner to some trendy Euro-trash boutique cum cafe. Order a crafe of their finest margarita and sit on the deck and people watch. Comment on peoples poor fashion sense and openly glare at the waiter despite the fact that you don't actually need anything. Leave a small tip.
What a day! But in the end even the most obnoxious day in America, with the most infuriating people is a WHOLE lot better than say ethnic cleansing. The problem is, and this is a global problem, that no country is perfect and there isn't a single soul on this planet who is either! But some positives like stability, democracy (some form there of), and having a home just outweigh some things like civility, decorum, and not being self-centered. I wish you the best and hope to hear back from you.
Patrick
At 5:51 PM,
Anonyme said…
TCHAD AGIR POUR L'ENVIRONNEMENT (TCHAPE) ONG
tchape3@yahoo.fr
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