i guess i have new perspective on life in america now
this will probably be my last entry. unfortunately this chapter of my life is over, i hope that i will get to go back to chad someday, but it will never be the same. i'm going to put together a package to send for chancelin's birthday with baby clothes and pictures and things, and hopefully in the next few weeks, i'll work up the courage to call. i do still feel guilty for leaving (as much as i rationally know it wasn't my fault) so it is hard for me to imagine speaking to people. i don't want to put my life there out of my head, but i almost have to to be a productive member of american society.
most of the material adapting hasn't been that hard thanks to our "transition" conference in cameroon. i had already spent two weeks with electricity and flush toilets before i got home. still it's weird not having to worry how much water i use when i wash dishes, remembering that in the middle of the night when i get up to go to the bathroom i can turn on the light, that i don't have to separate burnable trash from nonburnable, that i can drink any water or ice and eat any fruit i want. all the fruits and vegetables in the grocery store seem so big and i always feel like i should eat as much as i can because i don't know when i'll next be able to find plums or something, then i remember i always can. but i did laugh at the hard, yellow, expensive things whole foods were calling mangos.
the hardest thing for me is realizing how self-centered people are here. when i was in chad, i feel like i became more american in this way because many many of my conversations centered on the topic of me or american culture or me and chad. and i was okay with that, with being the celebrity. sometimes i realized how much of my time was spent talking about myself, and grossed out by that, went back to the quiet observer/question asker role. but more often than not, i was the star and no one else ever wanted to be.
here everyone wants to be the star all the time. everyone goes on and on about his or her latest drama, and really believes that these things, as silly as they are, are of grave importance. people lose sleep over, can't work because of, etc, the problem of the week. and yes sometimes people want to hear about other people's drama and offer their input, but more often then not, it feels like that is just waiting for one's turn to spill. and, no one, no one, wants to hear about my life in chad once they realize how boring and free of drama it was.
this whole phenomenom is just so weird to me now because i was away from it for long enough to kind of forget it exists. but i also am realizing that i am better capable of feeling like i do belong here if i just listen to other people's problems and let them know i care. it's weird because i know i have these giant problems of my own, but i really don't have any desire to share them because they aren't the kind of problems my friends can understand, so this is where i am. and it's okay, i'm okay with being here, but i don't want to give up what i've lost and i hate that i'm thrown back into this as if the life that i knew and loved was just a dream.
most of the material adapting hasn't been that hard thanks to our "transition" conference in cameroon. i had already spent two weeks with electricity and flush toilets before i got home. still it's weird not having to worry how much water i use when i wash dishes, remembering that in the middle of the night when i get up to go to the bathroom i can turn on the light, that i don't have to separate burnable trash from nonburnable, that i can drink any water or ice and eat any fruit i want. all the fruits and vegetables in the grocery store seem so big and i always feel like i should eat as much as i can because i don't know when i'll next be able to find plums or something, then i remember i always can. but i did laugh at the hard, yellow, expensive things whole foods were calling mangos.
the hardest thing for me is realizing how self-centered people are here. when i was in chad, i feel like i became more american in this way because many many of my conversations centered on the topic of me or american culture or me and chad. and i was okay with that, with being the celebrity. sometimes i realized how much of my time was spent talking about myself, and grossed out by that, went back to the quiet observer/question asker role. but more often than not, i was the star and no one else ever wanted to be.
here everyone wants to be the star all the time. everyone goes on and on about his or her latest drama, and really believes that these things, as silly as they are, are of grave importance. people lose sleep over, can't work because of, etc, the problem of the week. and yes sometimes people want to hear about other people's drama and offer their input, but more often then not, it feels like that is just waiting for one's turn to spill. and, no one, no one, wants to hear about my life in chad once they realize how boring and free of drama it was.
this whole phenomenom is just so weird to me now because i was away from it for long enough to kind of forget it exists. but i also am realizing that i am better capable of feeling like i do belong here if i just listen to other people's problems and let them know i care. it's weird because i know i have these giant problems of my own, but i really don't have any desire to share them because they aren't the kind of problems my friends can understand, so this is where i am. and it's okay, i'm okay with being here, but i don't want to give up what i've lost and i hate that i'm thrown back into this as if the life that i knew and loved was just a dream.
posted by Rebecca @ 9:51 PM
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